Peeking Into My World

Here I am laying in bed. I'm in my grandparents house. Everything is quiet and then there are sounds. The wind is blowing and I can hear my heart beating. I'm staring at the ceiling fan and I'm taking deep breaths. I'm looking back on the last year and I'm finally feeling a relief. I managed to break myself some how. I felt compelled to leave my marriage and to leave a certain kind of my life. I found myself unhappy beyond words. Lying to myself that it would all be okay. When I was actually trying to crawl out of my own skin. The only place I found comfort was work. Not a healthy way to live in my opinion. Lots of people don't know, but I have been separated for some time. I haven't been my best and I haven't been myself. I have been destructive and I lost my integrity somewhere a long the way. Curiosity got the best of me but it taught me a lot about myself. But since being separated I have enjoyed the little things. Being a mom has been the num...

Everyday is just another day to heal, be stronger and teach myself to let go and breath. I lost a piece of me this year and I am trying to put it back together. I almost stopped recognizing who I was their for a while. In a sense it made me find my focus. Finally figuring out what this grown up wants to be when she really grows up. Feels like it may take me forever and ever but at least I finally have a goal.   So back to school all while being a wife and mom. Keeps me busy but also keeps me focused.  The littlest things in life have meant the most to me these past few months. Had an enjoyable summer and just did fun and off the wall things I would have never done. Found myself in a sense and have loved every moment. This summer was dubbed "summer of Chantel"  A summer of fun relaxing times.  Now the fall is here. My favorite time of year. To get cozy and cuddle and drink warm beverages. I love when the weather turns. I'm a Utahn through and through. I love sweaters,...

I have literally sat down to write the hardest phase in my life a dozen times. It's like nothing but imperfect rough drafts of a chronological life that has gone awry. Where I felt relief, I feel almost empty or anxious. It's an odd feeling and only those who have gone through the exact experience may actually know what I am talking about.  The process of watching a loved one slip away so quickly that you don't process it even after its all said and done.  I've been in the denial stage for 10 months... While standing in a show room full of caskets with my sister. It was that moment where I realized that I couldn't be more adult then right then and there. I felt as though I aged over night. I couldn't call dad and ask his absolute opinion on the simplest things anymore.  That moment where I stared at my phone and reflecting from the last text on my birthday 1 week prior while looking over my shoulder at him saying "I love you" as he looked up and gave m...

There is nothing more cruel waiting for a life to end. It's almost unfair that some pass so fast you barely have time to realize they are already gone. The waiting game that nobody should endure. Person dying or people watching and waiting.  I knew I had to save this time to become a caretaker. Not only for him but my aunt and his wife. Where you keep your mind and head clear enough to be their as much as you can with out breaking from emotional exhaustion.  Good thing the tissues are close by. Exhausted and mad at the man upstairs. Also, realizing that so much still needs to be done. Trying to have a conversation with someone who is already slipping away by seeing things that are not really there. He even knows he is losing his mind.  I have handled him losing his weight, becoming more weak but losing his head? That is the part that hurts my heart. This is the part where I know I'm losing dad. The first day he kept calling Cailin Chantel. I lost it. I had to leave the ro...

Here I lay in bed. Today is dads 58th birthday. My old man shuffling his feet along, changing everyday. Aged overnight just the way I pictured him 30 years from now. I imagined him more bald and even less hearing.  The funny way we picture our parents and hope they make it to their 80's.  It's not just the hopes and dreams we have for ourselves. We picture the way we wish our loved ones will be because like myself I think they will never die. Hell, my only set of grandparents are tooting along. They may not be what they were when I remembered grandpa retiring, or baking cookies with grandma. But even when their time comes  I'll have a hard time letting go. Too many memories and even though they lived their life and retirement the best they could. I'm still going to picture grandpa in his recliner and grandma on the computer. I'm always going to be on their living room floor looking forward to Dateline or 20/20.  I'm trying to find peace with the idea of cancer t...

No matter what I do in life I will have regrets. I will look back and reflect from something I could of done differently.  I have made many mistakes these past few years. Pushing aside my hopes and dreams and letting someone else be the scape goat to my imperfections. I am selfish, stubborn and can sometimes be lost in my world where I am physically their but not mentally active.  I have been going non stop since I was 15 not knowing who I really am. Half of my life I have been fighting for a better life. Fighting for something real that isn't stressful, heartbreaking or makes me upset so much I rebel.  I just need this time to figure it out. I can't give my all with being this overwhelmed. I can learn from my mistakes but now I want to correct the current ones and just live a little on the wild side with out feeling guilty. I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe never had myself in the first place. I don't want to be fake and continue to live in a world where I smi...

How you have grown so quickly. How you have turned from this baby into a talking, sassy mischievous being. You are smart, funny and your personality reflects a little of everyone in our DNA. You are incredibly beautiful. My big brown eyed child. One I pictured for years. One I couldn't wait to meet. How you have made my heart bigger in so many ways. How you goof around, make me smile, hug and kiss me when mama really needs it most. How blessed I am to have a little girl so bright and perfect in my eyes. Even with tantrums I still go to bed just full of joy that you are a light in my life. How I could of put having you for 5 more years? You came at the perfect time and I love how you embrace life with a kindred heart. I hope we teach you how to be kind, loving, respectful. I hope you never stop learning, reach for the stars my love because you can be and do anything you want. I will be your cheerleader, I will be your beating bag. I know in the future when you are hormonal a...

Katie, There have been years of friendships that have come and gone. Never did I know I would gain a sister. A lifetime of fun memories, times where we needed each other during the most difficult and most enduring times.  Having you a phone call away or even a day where I get to spend with you makes my year even better. You are my sister above all. The blonde bombshell I admire who is smart, witty, has the most amazing personality, beautiful eyes and a way to always bring me back down to earth. My best friend I love you, happy birthday. May your year be wonderful, adventurous and happy.  Love always  Chantel 

I believe in God. My spirituality and understanding is deeper and more complex than I have ever shared.  Even as a child I knew there was a life before being brought into this world. If I shared my story, most people would put me in the "crazy" category. With that being said, it's hard for me not to be an honest person. I believe in sin, I believe we need to live honestly with oneself. Your spiritual gain should be what is close to your heart and soul. Nobody should take that away from you.  I honestly believe most people are good and honest. Even with demons they may thrive to be better in every way possible. I may be a little naive to this thought process but looking into someones eyes can tell you a lot about one's soul. I believe being one of God's children we are here and allowed to falter and make mistakes as long as you can acknowledge your own mis halves because nobody is perfect. No halo shines brighter than reflecting on being your true self.  ...

Sometimes it is difficult for me to even find the words as to how I am feeling. I have just been walking in a haze since the summer first began. I have been so stressed and upset that so much is changing. I spent a week with dad in September.I cannot even remember the summer. It doesn't even exist in my mind. It's amazing how much he changed in just a matter of months. It's like the entire world just weighed down on him. He has lost so much weight and just aged over night because of all the chemo. I enjoyed my time with him. I've seen my dad tired but now  his big brown eyes dawn a much older man. Tired, worried, scared and regret. I cry often... It was daily but it's more every couple days. Something like a photo, song or memory will trigger it. The thought of what he won't be here for kills me more than anything. Having that constant in my life missing is not something I ever thought would happen. Dad never missed anything I did in my life. Except marrying D...

T here are many things in my life that has made my heart hurt. Being hit by news a few months ago has made it so heavy sometimes it's not real. My entire family is affected by the news. Everyone is dealing with it in their own way.  My dear father has cancer. He was first diagnosed with stage 3 esophageal cancer. Until after he had a pet scan, than it was raised to stage 4. The non- curable terminal stage....  Dad had a stent put into his esophagus to make eating bearable and so he can have as many calories as possible. He began chemo treatments to gain time and so far he is doing okay with his treatments. He is still active and doing house work and having fun on the weekends with people who visit him. He has times where he is tired or has a hard time swallowing certain foods. But dad is being strong not only for himself but for the rest of us.  These last few years I have watched as a handful of close friends parents pass away. I couldn't imagine what they were g...

HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! I will be honest I didn't make it near midnight nor did we plan to stay awake because sleep these days is so important. Having a baby really makes you miss sleep. We truly love sleep when we can get it and I have managed to take more naps when she naps. There have been times she wakes more then once during the night and an occasional play time wakefulness! Even if I'm blurry eyed and somewhat conscious I can't help but play with her. Even if I repeat "it not play time Cailin it's sleeeeeeepy time baby." it's worth it though because she is growing so fast I take every moment with her. Cailin is growing like a weed! Cannot believe 4 months has already come and gone. I have to be honest though I love that she smiles all the time and is mostly a happy girl. She started giggling a couple weeks ago. Melts my heart listening to her. I think she is teething. She was grumpy today and just wanted mama. Going back to work was not easy. But it...

In the beginning finding out I was pregnant was scary. As my pregnancy went on I was becoming more excited and a little nervous. It almost didn't feel real. I felt her moving and kicking and all the symptoms. Even after gathering everything we needed for her it still didn't feel like she was ever going to come. But thinking about it now, it went a whole lot faster then I thought. Everything from pregnancy to birth. By the time I hit 40 weeks and my stomach had dropped I knew it was getting closer.I had worked until 40.2 weeks and was physically exhausted. Everything hurt. Things were swelling. Shoes were no longer fitting and my back was giving me grief. I was no longer feeling scared. As I got closer to my due date I tried everything people had suggested. All the different foods, exercises and other such things. The day I started my maternity leave I was 40.3 weeks. I had an induction date set for September 5th but was hoping she would come on her own. I figured...

       As a woman I have always wanted to experience pregnancy. I have always wanted to have children. I didn't come from a big family. We have a lot of people waiting for her arrival. We cannot believe how loved our little stranger already is. We love her more than anything and we are excited to meet her. It's been a lot of  years of practice!       In the beginning we were trying to come up with fun ways to tell out parents. We told my father first. I was barely 8 weeks when I took a weekend and traveled to Rock Springs. I had arranged old and new pictures. I left open with a note saying "future picture of a grandson or granddaughter due September 2012." I recorded his reaction on my phone and it was priceless. He was shocked in his own way and so cute about the whole thing. All of a sudden I became this super pregnant woman that he kept trying to feed, because I was now eating for 2! (my father thinks old school for ...

There is a reason to my insanity. I have had a tremendous amount of drama and stress in my life. But what I take in with the bad I make equally better with the good in my life. I am generally a happy person. I have the love of my life by my side. I have family and friends who have been their for me when I truly needed them most. I try not to hold grudges and try to shake those who do me wrong. I am not a vindictive person. I don't do things to push buttons and go below the belts to hurt those I care about. I can always admit I am wrong. I can learn to grow up and say sorry. All I ask is people do the same and learn to respect me and my family. If I built a wall it's because the trust was knocked down. If I hurt you then tell me. I can take criticism. I have taken risks in my life and I take full responsibility for them. I have discovered that my trust has taken a seat. I feel more aware of my surroundings. I won't let people walk all over me. I have learned that fami...

I first began my blog and wanted to show my friends and family about my weight loss. I was willing to show the most embarrassing part of me. I decided to change things up because my life has changed. I thought I would reconnect with my friends and family and bring in a bigger part of my life. I still have a goal to lose 100 pounds. I ended the year 45 pounds lighter and gained something better! 2011 definitely ended on a high note! It will be the year I will never forget. Beginning with the birth of my beautiful blue eyed nephew McKean, whom I love and adore! I will never forget wanting to meet him for the first time. I fell hard for the little guy and every time I see his smile my heart melts and I love my sister and brother in law for making him. I am grateful for my blue eyed little guy. I have been ever so lucky to watch him grow and to be apart of his first year at life. I am one proud aunt! Even with the great happiness I had ...