Peeking Into My World

Everyday is just another day to heal, be stronger and teach myself to let go and breath. I lost a piece of me this year and I am trying to put it back together. I almost stopped recognizing who I was their for a while. In a sense it made me find my focus. Finally figuring out what this grown up wants to be when she really grows up. Feels like it may take me forever and ever but at least I finally have a goal.   So back to school all while being a wife and mom. Keeps me busy but also keeps me focused.  The littlest things in life have meant the most to me these past few months. Had an enjoyable summer and just did fun and off the wall things I would have never done. Found myself in a sense and have loved every moment. This summer was dubbed "summer of Chantel"  A summer of fun relaxing times.  Now the fall is here. My favorite time of year. To get cozy and cuddle and drink warm beverages. I love when the weather turns. I'm a Utahn through and through. I love sweaters,...

I have literally sat down to write the hardest phase in my life a dozen times. It's like nothing but imperfect rough drafts of a chronological life that has gone awry. Where I felt relief, I feel almost empty or anxious. It's an odd feeling and only those who have gone through the exact experience may actually know what I am talking about.  The process of watching a loved one slip away so quickly that you don't process it even after its all said and done.  I've been in the denial stage for 10 months... While standing in a show room full of caskets with my sister. It was that moment where I realized that I couldn't be more adult then right then and there. I felt as though I aged over night. I couldn't call dad and ask his absolute opinion on the simplest things anymore.  That moment where I stared at my phone and reflecting from the last text on my birthday 1 week prior while looking over my shoulder at him saying "I love you" as he looked up and gave m...

There is nothing more cruel waiting for a life to end. It's almost unfair that some pass so fast you barely have time to realize they are already gone. The waiting game that nobody should endure. Person dying or people watching and waiting.  I knew I had to save this time to become a caretaker. Not only for him but my aunt and his wife. Where you keep your mind and head clear enough to be their as much as you can with out breaking from emotional exhaustion.  Good thing the tissues are close by. Exhausted and mad at the man upstairs. Also, realizing that so much still needs to be done. Trying to have a conversation with someone who is already slipping away by seeing things that are not really there. He even knows he is losing his mind.  I have handled him losing his weight, becoming more weak but losing his head? That is the part that hurts my heart. This is the part where I know I'm losing dad. The first day he kept calling Cailin Chantel. I lost it. I had to leave the ro...

Here I lay in bed. Today is dads 58th birthday. My old man shuffling his feet along, changing everyday. Aged overnight just the way I pictured him 30 years from now. I imagined him more bald and even less hearing.  The funny way we picture our parents and hope they make it to their 80's.  It's not just the hopes and dreams we have for ourselves. We picture the way we wish our loved ones will be because like myself I think they will never die. Hell, my only set of grandparents are tooting along. They may not be what they were when I remembered grandpa retiring, or baking cookies with grandma. But even when their time comes  I'll have a hard time letting go. Too many memories and even though they lived their life and retirement the best they could. I'm still going to picture grandpa in his recliner and grandma on the computer. I'm always going to be on their living room floor looking forward to Dateline or 20/20.  I'm trying to find peace with the idea of cancer t...

No matter what I do in life I will have regrets. I will look back and reflect from something I could of done differently.  I have made many mistakes these past few years. Pushing aside my hopes and dreams and letting someone else be the scape goat to my imperfections. I am selfish, stubborn and can sometimes be lost in my world where I am physically their but not mentally active.  I have been going non stop since I was 15 not knowing who I really am. Half of my life I have been fighting for a better life. Fighting for something real that isn't stressful, heartbreaking or makes me upset so much I rebel.  I just need this time to figure it out. I can't give my all with being this overwhelmed. I can learn from my mistakes but now I want to correct the current ones and just live a little on the wild side with out feeling guilty. I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe never had myself in the first place. I don't want to be fake and continue to live in a world where I smi...

How you have grown so quickly. How you have turned from this baby into a talking, sassy mischievous being. You are smart, funny and your personality reflects a little of everyone in our DNA. You are incredibly beautiful. My big brown eyed child. One I pictured for years. One I couldn't wait to meet. How you have made my heart bigger in so many ways. How you goof around, make me smile, hug and kiss me when mama really needs it most. How blessed I am to have a little girl so bright and perfect in my eyes. Even with tantrums I still go to bed just full of joy that you are a light in my life. How I could of put having you for 5 more years? You came at the perfect time and I love how you embrace life with a kindred heart. I hope we teach you how to be kind, loving, respectful. I hope you never stop learning, reach for the stars my love because you can be and do anything you want. I will be your cheerleader, I will be your beating bag. I know in the future when you are hormonal a...