Here I am laying in bed. I'm in my grandparents house. Everything is quiet and then there are sounds. The wind is blowing and I can hear my heart beating. I'm staring at the ceiling fan and I'm taking deep breaths. I'm looking back on the last year and I'm finally feeling a relief.
I managed to break myself some how.
I felt compelled to leave my marriage and to leave a certain kind of my life.
I found myself unhappy beyond words. Lying to myself that it would all be okay. When I was actually trying to crawl out of my own skin. The only place I found comfort was work. Not a healthy way to live in my opinion. Lots of people don't know, but I have been separated for some time.
I haven't been my best and I haven't been myself. I have been destructive and I lost my integrity somewhere a long the way. Curiosity got the best of me but it taught me a lot about myself.
But since being separated I have enjoyed the little things. Being a mom has been the number 1 piece to this puzzle of my life. My parenting skills dwindled there for a while and I wasn't the best mama. I was agitated more often then I would like to admit. I wasn't patient with my little one as I am now. Just the last few months have taught me that I am capable of more strength and confidence then I ever imagined.
I found the energy that had been lost for so long. I can actually get out of bed with out feeling the ache in my body and mind. Sounds dramatic but when your life isn't going the way you want it too, it literally starts beating you down in a sense.
I have enjoyed my alone time. Many people know me as out going and ready for fun. But honestly, I have been okay being a semi recluse.
I have been healing from losing my dad. I didn't handle that well last year. I manage to cope and do things that were not me. I was trying to burry the pain rather then just let it naturally go away. I can admit when I have been wrong. I can admit when I am not who I am. I would look at myself in the mirror and not recognize myself at times and I would see the anger, hurt and loveless self.
Since being alone though, I see the color in my skin again. I don't feel as gray as I once was. I wake happy and more alive then I had been in a very long long time.
I'm okay to close one chapter of my life and not regret it. My morals and integrity are still here.
My moments of weakness and desire are here as well. Doesn't mean I can't use those for my own distraction though.
I am healthier then I have been in years. I've lost 30 pounds and I every day I wake for a great day. I smile and laugh more. I am grateful for friends and family reaching out and lifting me up. My support system is huge.
Sometimes I feel a little lost but then I manage to see the light. It just takes little moments to see the bigger picture.
I am not perfect as I have mentioned in past posts. But the real me is here. The real me is ready for a life where I explore things and see the world in a different view. One that will make my heart grow and my soul bloom.
-Chantel
I managed to break myself some how.
I felt compelled to leave my marriage and to leave a certain kind of my life.
I found myself unhappy beyond words. Lying to myself that it would all be okay. When I was actually trying to crawl out of my own skin. The only place I found comfort was work. Not a healthy way to live in my opinion. Lots of people don't know, but I have been separated for some time.
I haven't been my best and I haven't been myself. I have been destructive and I lost my integrity somewhere a long the way. Curiosity got the best of me but it taught me a lot about myself.
But since being separated I have enjoyed the little things. Being a mom has been the number 1 piece to this puzzle of my life. My parenting skills dwindled there for a while and I wasn't the best mama. I was agitated more often then I would like to admit. I wasn't patient with my little one as I am now. Just the last few months have taught me that I am capable of more strength and confidence then I ever imagined.
I found the energy that had been lost for so long. I can actually get out of bed with out feeling the ache in my body and mind. Sounds dramatic but when your life isn't going the way you want it too, it literally starts beating you down in a sense.
I have enjoyed my alone time. Many people know me as out going and ready for fun. But honestly, I have been okay being a semi recluse.
I have been healing from losing my dad. I didn't handle that well last year. I manage to cope and do things that were not me. I was trying to burry the pain rather then just let it naturally go away. I can admit when I have been wrong. I can admit when I am not who I am. I would look at myself in the mirror and not recognize myself at times and I would see the anger, hurt and loveless self.
Since being alone though, I see the color in my skin again. I don't feel as gray as I once was. I wake happy and more alive then I had been in a very long long time.
I'm okay to close one chapter of my life and not regret it. My morals and integrity are still here.
My moments of weakness and desire are here as well. Doesn't mean I can't use those for my own distraction though.
I am healthier then I have been in years. I've lost 30 pounds and I every day I wake for a great day. I smile and laugh more. I am grateful for friends and family reaching out and lifting me up. My support system is huge.
Sometimes I feel a little lost but then I manage to see the light. It just takes little moments to see the bigger picture.
I am not perfect as I have mentioned in past posts. But the real me is here. The real me is ready for a life where I explore things and see the world in a different view. One that will make my heart grow and my soul bloom.
-Chantel
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