Sometimes it is difficult for me to even find the words as to how I am feeling. I have just been walking in a haze since the summer first began. I have been so stressed and upset that so much is changing. I spent a week with dad in September.I cannot even remember the summer. It doesn't even exist in my mind. It's amazing how much he changed in just a matter of months. It's like the entire world just weighed down on him. He has lost so much weight and just aged over night because of all the chemo. I enjoyed my time with him. I've seen my dad tired but now his big brown eyes dawn a much older man. Tired, worried, scared and regret.
I cry often... It was daily but it's more every couple days. Something like a photo, song or memory will trigger it. The thought of what he won't be here for kills me more than anything. Having that constant in my life missing is not something I ever thought would happen. Dad never missed anything I did in my life. Except marrying David. I ran off to Vegas at 19 and never thought that it was something my father looked forward too. It broke his heart and for the last few years I have some regret at not sharing that moment with the man who took part in raising me and molding me into the woman I am today. Of course David and I have considered in renewing our vows at some point but now it doesn't seem right because there will be a missing puzzle to my world.
Out of all the parents I could not wait long to tell my dad about being pregnant. We waited to tell the majority of family and friends. But I couldn't wait to share the news with him. Because my entire life he has always just been their for me whenever I needed him. He has made becoming an adult a little easier because of his experience with life. He in a way has made me more head strong. He taught me how to throw a ball, love football and enjoy good company. He came to all my sporting events, school plays and pushed me to be just a better person. I love old movies because of dad and I love the oldies. Nothing like a Sunday mornings being woken to breakfast wafting in the air and some Elvis blasting on the stereo.
We come from a long line of stubborn people. It runs thick. Sometimes I think being too stubborn can intervene in one's life and beer goggles tend to mask the reality in which we rather not see.This is the reason we are where we are today. Our health is not as important to ourselves as it is to you. We also hide our feelings until we find a reason to vent. This blog has become more of an open journal in hopes to help me cope with my own heavy heart. I am stubborn in my own way and like dad I speak my mind. I try to use my words wisely and think the phrase before they roll off my tongue. Like dad I also hold onto certain friendships because their blood, like yours is just as thick and at some point like family they will be by your side when you need them most.
Yesterday I sat down and started putting together a list of questions that I never thought of asking my father. I will be spending another week with him in November. I imagine I will come home either enlightened or more broken. I hope for the first over the other. God give me strength during this difficult time. I'm trying to be more spiritual and look at it from a natural way but its difficult when you see someone you love and admire whither away. I never want to see dad lose his dignity. I always want the memory of holding his finger because my hands were always too small for me to hold onto his. Maybe this time our hands will fall into the place that is needed most. Comfort from one another and using the time to define the relationship we have. I hope when the time comes I can finally breathe and know that there is a reason to all the madness. I am only human and the words I have putting this into the world I hope gives others a reason to be closer to those they love most.
I cry often... It was daily but it's more every couple days. Something like a photo, song or memory will trigger it. The thought of what he won't be here for kills me more than anything. Having that constant in my life missing is not something I ever thought would happen. Dad never missed anything I did in my life. Except marrying David. I ran off to Vegas at 19 and never thought that it was something my father looked forward too. It broke his heart and for the last few years I have some regret at not sharing that moment with the man who took part in raising me and molding me into the woman I am today. Of course David and I have considered in renewing our vows at some point but now it doesn't seem right because there will be a missing puzzle to my world.
Out of all the parents I could not wait long to tell my dad about being pregnant. We waited to tell the majority of family and friends. But I couldn't wait to share the news with him. Because my entire life he has always just been their for me whenever I needed him. He has made becoming an adult a little easier because of his experience with life. He in a way has made me more head strong. He taught me how to throw a ball, love football and enjoy good company. He came to all my sporting events, school plays and pushed me to be just a better person. I love old movies because of dad and I love the oldies. Nothing like a Sunday mornings being woken to breakfast wafting in the air and some Elvis blasting on the stereo.
We come from a long line of stubborn people. It runs thick. Sometimes I think being too stubborn can intervene in one's life and beer goggles tend to mask the reality in which we rather not see.This is the reason we are where we are today. Our health is not as important to ourselves as it is to you. We also hide our feelings until we find a reason to vent. This blog has become more of an open journal in hopes to help me cope with my own heavy heart. I am stubborn in my own way and like dad I speak my mind. I try to use my words wisely and think the phrase before they roll off my tongue. Like dad I also hold onto certain friendships because their blood, like yours is just as thick and at some point like family they will be by your side when you need them most.
Yesterday I sat down and started putting together a list of questions that I never thought of asking my father. I will be spending another week with him in November. I imagine I will come home either enlightened or more broken. I hope for the first over the other. God give me strength during this difficult time. I'm trying to be more spiritual and look at it from a natural way but its difficult when you see someone you love and admire whither away. I never want to see dad lose his dignity. I always want the memory of holding his finger because my hands were always too small for me to hold onto his. Maybe this time our hands will fall into the place that is needed most. Comfort from one another and using the time to define the relationship we have. I hope when the time comes I can finally breathe and know that there is a reason to all the madness. I am only human and the words I have putting this into the world I hope gives others a reason to be closer to those they love most.
"It's never too late. Don't focus on what was taken away.
Find something to replace it, and acknowledge the blessing you have."
-Drew Barrymore
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