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My Head and Heart May Explode

There is nothing more cruel waiting for a life to end. It's almost unfair that some pass so fast you barely have time to realize they are already gone. The waiting game that nobody should endure. Person dying or people watching and waiting. 

I knew I had to save this time to become a caretaker. Not only for him but my aunt and his wife. Where you keep your mind and head clear enough to be their as much as you can with out breaking from emotional exhaustion. 

Good thing the tissues are close by. Exhausted and mad at the man upstairs. Also, realizing that so much still needs to be done. Trying to have a conversation with someone who is already slipping away by seeing things that are not really there. He even knows he is losing his mind. 

I have handled him losing his weight, becoming more weak but losing his head? That is the part that hurts my heart. This is the part where I know I'm losing dad. The first day he kept calling Cailin Chantel. I lost it. I had to leave the room. Because my daughter is the spitting image of me when I was her age.
Searching for objects that are not there. Seeing something move. Telling me to put water in the t.v. Because the indicator says its low... 

I have my moments alone where I just need to breathe. Take a minute. I take one of the dogs for a walk while he sleeps and sleeps. The nights that I'm not reclined next to him I cannot sleep thinking I need to just be their. Almost an obsession. 

Right now my Godmother is passing. As she is surrounded by all our family in Denver. I pray she comes to get dad. The thought gives me some sense of peace. 

As much as I want to be greedy and keep him around...I have to let go. It's the only real thing I have to hold onto at this moment. 

-Chantel 

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