Peeking Into My World

Here I lay in bed. Today is dads 58th birthday. My old man shuffling his feet along, changing everyday. Aged overnight just the way I pictured him 30 years from now. I imagined him more bald and even less hearing.  The funny way we picture our parents and hope they make it to their 80's.  It's not just the hopes and dreams we have for ourselves. We picture the way we wish our loved ones will be because like myself I think they will never die. Hell, my only set of grandparents are tooting along. They may not be what they were when I remembered grandpa retiring, or baking cookies with grandma. But even when their time comes  I'll have a hard time letting go. Too many memories and even though they lived their life and retirement the best they could. I'm still going to picture grandpa in his recliner and grandma on the computer. I'm always going to be on their living room floor looking forward to Dateline or 20/20.  I'm trying to find peace with the idea of cancer t...

No matter what I do in life I will have regrets. I will look back and reflect from something I could of done differently.  I have made many mistakes these past few years. Pushing aside my hopes and dreams and letting someone else be the scape goat to my imperfections. I am selfish, stubborn and can sometimes be lost in my world where I am physically their but not mentally active.  I have been going non stop since I was 15 not knowing who I really am. Half of my life I have been fighting for a better life. Fighting for something real that isn't stressful, heartbreaking or makes me upset so much I rebel.  I just need this time to figure it out. I can't give my all with being this overwhelmed. I can learn from my mistakes but now I want to correct the current ones and just live a little on the wild side with out feeling guilty. I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe never had myself in the first place. I don't want to be fake and continue to live in a world where I smi...

How you have grown so quickly. How you have turned from this baby into a talking, sassy mischievous being. You are smart, funny and your personality reflects a little of everyone in our DNA. You are incredibly beautiful. My big brown eyed child. One I pictured for years. One I couldn't wait to meet. How you have made my heart bigger in so many ways. How you goof around, make me smile, hug and kiss me when mama really needs it most. How blessed I am to have a little girl so bright and perfect in my eyes. Even with tantrums I still go to bed just full of joy that you are a light in my life. How I could of put having you for 5 more years? You came at the perfect time and I love how you embrace life with a kindred heart. I hope we teach you how to be kind, loving, respectful. I hope you never stop learning, reach for the stars my love because you can be and do anything you want. I will be your cheerleader, I will be your beating bag. I know in the future when you are hormonal a...

Katie, There have been years of friendships that have come and gone. Never did I know I would gain a sister. A lifetime of fun memories, times where we needed each other during the most difficult and most enduring times.  Having you a phone call away or even a day where I get to spend with you makes my year even better. You are my sister above all. The blonde bombshell I admire who is smart, witty, has the most amazing personality, beautiful eyes and a way to always bring me back down to earth. My best friend I love you, happy birthday. May your year be wonderful, adventurous and happy.  Love always  Chantel 

I believe in God. My spirituality and understanding is deeper and more complex than I have ever shared.  Even as a child I knew there was a life before being brought into this world. If I shared my story, most people would put me in the "crazy" category. With that being said, it's hard for me not to be an honest person. I believe in sin, I believe we need to live honestly with oneself. Your spiritual gain should be what is close to your heart and soul. Nobody should take that away from you.  I honestly believe most people are good and honest. Even with demons they may thrive to be better in every way possible. I may be a little naive to this thought process but looking into someones eyes can tell you a lot about one's soul. I believe being one of God's children we are here and allowed to falter and make mistakes as long as you can acknowledge your own mis halves because nobody is perfect. No halo shines brighter than reflecting on being your true self.  ...

Sometimes it is difficult for me to even find the words as to how I am feeling. I have just been walking in a haze since the summer first began. I have been so stressed and upset that so much is changing. I spent a week with dad in September.I cannot even remember the summer. It doesn't even exist in my mind. It's amazing how much he changed in just a matter of months. It's like the entire world just weighed down on him. He has lost so much weight and just aged over night because of all the chemo. I enjoyed my time with him. I've seen my dad tired but now  his big brown eyes dawn a much older man. Tired, worried, scared and regret. I cry often... It was daily but it's more every couple days. Something like a photo, song or memory will trigger it. The thought of what he won't be here for kills me more than anything. Having that constant in my life missing is not something I ever thought would happen. Dad never missed anything I did in my life. Except marrying D...

T here are many things in my life that has made my heart hurt. Being hit by news a few months ago has made it so heavy sometimes it's not real. My entire family is affected by the news. Everyone is dealing with it in their own way.  My dear father has cancer. He was first diagnosed with stage 3 esophageal cancer. Until after he had a pet scan, than it was raised to stage 4. The non- curable terminal stage....  Dad had a stent put into his esophagus to make eating bearable and so he can have as many calories as possible. He began chemo treatments to gain time and so far he is doing okay with his treatments. He is still active and doing house work and having fun on the weekends with people who visit him. He has times where he is tired or has a hard time swallowing certain foods. But dad is being strong not only for himself but for the rest of us.  These last few years I have watched as a handful of close friends parents pass away. I couldn't imagine what they were g...