Regrets Don't Define Me

No matter what I do in life I will have regrets. I will look back and reflect from something I could of done differently.

I have made many mistakes these past few years. Pushing aside my hopes and dreams and letting someone else be the scape goat to my imperfections.

I am selfish, stubborn and can sometimes be lost in my world where I am physically their but not mentally active.

I have been going non stop since I was 15 not knowing who I really am. Half of my life I have been fighting for a better life. Fighting for something real that isn't stressful, heartbreaking or makes me upset so much I rebel.

I just need this time to figure it out. I can't give my all with being this overwhelmed. I can learn from my mistakes but now I want to correct the current ones and just live a little on the wild side with out feeling guilty.

I lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe never had myself in the first place. I don't want to be fake and continue to live in a world where I smile but underneath it all I'm aching to get out.

A new for everything begins within. One step, two steps as long as my hurdles get easier I can achieve anything. 1 day at a time.

Comments

Feeling Whole Again

Everyday is just another day to heal, be stronger and teach myself to let go and breath. I lost a piece of me this year and I am trying to put it back together. I almost stopped recognizing who I was their for a while. In a sense it made me find my focus. Finally figuring out what this grown up wants to be when she really grows up. Feels like it may take me forever and ever but at least I finally have a goal. So back to school all while being a wife and mom. Keeps me busy but also keeps me focused. The littlest things in life have meant the most to me these past few months. Had an enjoyable summer and just did fun and off the wall things I would have never done. Found myself in a sense and have loved every moment. This summer was dubbed "summer of Chantel" A summer of fun relaxing times. Now the fall is here. My favorite time of year. To get cozy and cuddle and drink warm beverages. I love when the weather turns. I'm a Utahn through and through. I love sweaters,...

My Worst Best Thing

Here I am laying in bed. I'm in my grandparents house. Everything is quiet and then there are sounds. The wind is blowing and I can hear my heart beating. I'm staring at the ceiling fan and I'm taking deep breaths. I'm looking back on the last year and I'm finally feeling a relief. I managed to break myself some how. I felt compelled to leave my marriage and to leave a certain kind of my life. I found myself unhappy beyond words. Lying to myself that it would all be okay. When I was actually trying to crawl out of my own skin. The only place I found comfort was work. Not a healthy way to live in my opinion. Lots of people don't know, but I have been separated for some time. I haven't been my best and I haven't been myself. I have been destructive and I lost my integrity somewhere a long the way. Curiosity got the best of me but it taught me a lot about myself. But since being separated I have enjoyed the little things. Being a mom has been the num...

He Made it

Here I lay in bed. Today is dads 58th birthday. My old man shuffling his feet along, changing everyday. Aged overnight just the way I pictured him 30 years from now. I imagined him more bald and even less hearing. The funny way we picture our parents and hope they make it to their 80's. It's not just the hopes and dreams we have for ourselves. We picture the way we wish our loved ones will be because like myself I think they will never die. Hell, my only set of grandparents are tooting along. They may not be what they were when I remembered grandpa retiring, or baking cookies with grandma. But even when their time comes I'll have a hard time letting go. Too many memories and even though they lived their life and retirement the best they could. I'm still going to picture grandpa in his recliner and grandma on the computer. I'm always going to be on their living room floor looking forward to Dateline or 20/20. I'm trying to find peace with the idea of cancer t...

Peeking Into My World

Search This Blog